About to get a little personal…
At what point in a marriage is it time to call it quits? When the abuse starts? When it (the abuse) ironically has almost ended and yet you still feel this pulling urge to leave? What a rough point I am in my life. I don’t love my husband. I care about him greatly and I never wish harm on him. But I want to be happy and in love, even if it takes me years to find, if I can just have it someday, instead of being stuck in the same old realtionship that never gets better just different.
I honestly can’t remember the first time my husband hit me. He never left horrible bruises just pushed me here and there. Once while I was pregnant and caused me to fall, skin my knee and elbow. Am I just being pathetic? I know for sure that the nasty things he says to me are uncalled for. But at what point in physical abuse is it time to leave? Not that that question even matters as he hasn’t hit me in a few months.
At what point in verbal, mental, and emotional abuse is it time to call it quits? April of last year I left Rob, he was just wild with rage and uncontrollable. I went to a womens shelter for a day and then stayed with my mom for almost a week. I was so set on not coming home untill I was sure he had changed but my step-dad started making comments and I didn’t want to make things harder for my mom. So I went home, I didn’t want to but I did. During the timew while I was gone Rob did everything he could to make my life harder. We have an SUV and a Cavalier (two door UGH) and I never take the cavalier especially when I have the kids. He forced me to take the car with both of the girls, then he knew that I really like the internet on my phone so he turned it off hours after I left. Called the cell phone company and made it so I couldn’t make any changes to the plan. And after all that hatred and seeing how he didn’t want me to have the slightest bit of happiness in my life, I quit loving him. When I came home I thought it would come back but it just never did. I don’t hate him, I just don’t love him any more.
When I was on my trip, Rob gave me another preview of how I would be treated when I leave. I recieved at least 50 text messages. A few of my favorites were; You are far from a Christian, at least I don’t believe in divorce, The house has been on 67 degrees since you left and when you come back if you turn it up I’m not paying the bill. I’m laying down the law, I called Nissan they are coming to repo your Pathfinder next week.
Two people gave me money for my trip because they knew Rob was not going to give me any. And I really appreciated that and thanked them immensly but with all our financial trouble do you know what Rob did while I was gone. He gambled and lost $100 dollars. For someone who is making our car payment late thinks its okay to go and waste money on gabling, what an idiot.
And this leads me to the bankruptcy talk. I have to hear about it at least once a day. I don’t want to file because if I ever get to leave Rob I need all the credit I have to take care of my children and myself.
Other than all that my trip was okay. The friend I went to see ended up in the hospital and I spent almost all of my vacay with her girls father. He was odd but I didn’t mind.
This post broke my heart for you.
You asked “At what point in verbal, mental, and emotional abuse is it time to call it quits?”
The answer, the short (and terribly difficult to follow) answer is: the very first time, if the abuser does not seek professional help immediately. Your husband is not a loving man and he is very unlikely to change his ways on his own. Regardless of his having “not hit you in months”, he is an abuser. Emotional abuse is just as devastating. The 50 text messages are a classic signal of an abuser’s assertion of control, as are the threats to cut off your transportation and your heating.
If he hasn’t already escalated the abuse to your children, it is only a matter of time before he does. Even if he somehow manages not to hit or belittle them directly, the effects of watching you have to take it are damaging.
I urge you, I beg you, to leave as soon as you can, and to stay away no matter what he threatens or promises, even if you have to seek refuge in a women’s shelter. Don’t worry about the car, the phone, the house. All of those are replaceable things. You and your children can start over. Do you have a friend or relative in another state you could stay with? Can you reach a shelter specifically for victims of domestic violence? Please get a protective order against him as well. A domestic violence advocate should be able to help you with that at the shelter.
I don’t mean to lecture you. I know you feel hopeless and alone. I know it’s hard to leave with nothing. But please do it. Please. For yourself and your children, you must get out. You must.
I have friends who help women in difficult situations. I can get you links to resources in your area. If your family cannot or will not help you, please reach out to someone.
You can reach me via my contact me page if it is safer for you to do so. http://cocokrispybeans.wordpress.com
Posted 1 year, 9 months agoUgh…I had a good bit of a reply written and my youngest hit the escape button which deleted everything…
Rob is seeing a psychiatrist he has precribed Lexapro. He does take and it helps some. I do wish his doctor would get to the root of his problem. I hope you don’t think I’m making excuses for him. I’m not, I know what he does is wrong. I’m just stuck.
I would love to just leave and never look back. But I need a car especially with mine, and my chidrens illnesses. As much as I really hate to I’m going to have to call my local Department of Health and Human Resource office to see what services they can provide me. That will be tomorrows task.
Thank you so much for you comment and for the help.
Posted 1 year, 9 months agoI’m glad he’s at least taken a step in the right direction. But please don’t give up your vigilance, OK? Lexapro or any medication is a tool. A useful tool, and it can help many conditions, but I know you already know it is not a guarantee or a cure-all. Since he’s in therapy and seeking help, that’s a good sign. But if he’s denying that he has any responsibility in the abuse, it is not going to create lasting changes.
I would still urge you to contact your local shelter for victims of domestic abuse. Reach out to them, seek counseling for yourself, and have a plan in place to escape, if you need to. Again, I know how it feels to be stuck. Since you and your kids have chronic illnesses, I guess it seems hopeless. That’s why a plan is so critical.
The shelter in my area provides programs for outreach to abusers as well as victims. They provide counseling, transportation, legal assistance, and medical assistance. It’s not all about him. You (and your kids, I am guessig) need to heal, too. Regardless of the outcome, and I sincerely hope it is happy for you, I’d still suggest these steps.
I hope this doesn’t come across as judgmental. It’s meant with the kindest intentions. Please feel free to contact me anytime.
Posted 1 year, 9 months agoGreetings,
Wow, I can’t believe what I’ve just read. I’m new to commenting, and I’ve only been posting a few blogs, about four, regarding TTC because…well, let just say that we have an ENORMOUS amount in common, so much that it’s crazy. I only came to this address on a hunch. because I have read some of the comments you have left on other blogs, I wanted to read your situation, and how you relate to “stuff.”
Well, I’m going to post this, but I would like to communicate much more with you. Your “comment box” is different, and I don’t want to write anymore, and just have it “deleted” because I’m ignorant to this format. So, with that, I’m going to go, but I will, most likely, be back. I just want to say that reading the few entries of your blog made me feel NORMAL. I’m going through A LOT of crap right now, and I’m feeling all alone “to boot”. Thanks for sharing…
Brooke
Posted 1 year, 9 months agookay, testing, testing…LOL…it worked, but my avatar isn’t there. Hmmm,…I wonder why….Is it because it’s going through moderation? I guess I’ll find out…I wish I had more time to research your blog in its entirity, (sp?) but maybe when I’m finished with my chores, I can come back to it.
Brooke, again…
Posted 1 year, 9 months ago“At what point in verbal, mental, and emotional abuse is it time to call it quits?”
I have been there, done that. There is no right answer. You have to have the immense courage that it does take, to leave. Especially with kids. I only had one at the time, but I did it. Scared as hell, no moeny or job, but I did it. And I found that happiness and love you are looking for. I am know remarried and have 3 more kids. It can happen. Best of luck to you.
Posted 1 year, 9 months agoCoco- I don’t think you are being judgemental in the slightest. You are telling me exactly what I would tell someone else, if they were in my shoes. I appreciate the help and thank you again.
Brooke- I hope for your sake that we do not have some things in common, as I do not wish my troubles on anyone else. We aren’t TTC anymore : ( As much as I want another child, I thought long and hard and decided that it would be better if I waited. I’m trying to keep myself content with the two I have. I know I’m lucky because of them. I did email mail you. I’m sorry that my comment box seems odd to you. I’m pretty new to word press and couldn’t find a very helpful FAQ so I basically winged everything.
Jay- I hope I can find the happiness you have. I know that it will never come to me but I will have to go out and find it myself.
Posted 1 year, 9 months ago